FROM WISDOM TO WITDOM 

True humor springs not more from the head than from the heart.
It is not contempt; its essence is love.
It issues not only in laughter, but in still smiles,
which lie far deeper.
~ Thomas Carlyle

If I had no sense of humor,
I would long ago have committed suicide.
~ Mahatma Gandi

Laughter is the closest thing to the grace of God.
~ Karl Barth

Truly, humor is sacred. It calms the Human spirit
and creates the chemistry of tolerance,
forgiveness and even health.
~ Kryon

There is more logic in humor than anything else.
Because, you see, humor is truth.
~ Victor Borge

Two five year-olds:
“Anyway,” the boy says to the girl, “I found a condom on the verandah.”
The little girl looked at him quizzically. “What’s a verandah?”

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are:
eating too much, impulse buying and driving too fast.
Are they serious?
That’s my idea of a perfect day.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian
any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.

Men are from earth, women are from earth.
Deal with it.

 They say there is no substitute for talent,
but you seem to have found something.

I’ve heard that there’s an interesting lecture on schizophrenia
at the local hall tonight and I’ve half a mind to go to it.

When I eventually met Mr Right
I had no idea that his first name was Always.

I’ve been on so many blind dates,
I should get a free dog.

Wealth is any income that is at least
one hundred dollars a year more than
the income of one’s wife’s sister’s husband.

I have a stepladder.
It’s a very nice stepladder but it’s sad
that I never knew my real ladder.

I know you believe you understand what you think I said.
But I am not sure you realise that what you heard is not what I meant.

Living on Earth may be expensive,
but it does include an annual free trip around the sun.

The problem is…
everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

43% of statistics are worthless.

Sudden prayers make God jump.

If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t more people happy?

The only person who got all his work done by Friday
was Robinson Crusoe.

‘Ears pierced while you wait’.

I used to be indecisive…
but now I’m not so sure.

The meek shall inherit the earth!!
I mean, if it’s alright with you.

I’ve told you 3,000,000 times
stop exaggerating!

Looks like we’re in for a bad spell of whether.

Always proofread.
You might have something out.

Reincarnation is now more popular than ever.
It’s really making a comeback.

My wife says that I don’t listen.
At least I think that’s what she said.

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family…
in another city.

If you are worried what other people think,
then here is some good news…

Most people don’t think.

It begins when you sink in his arms
and ends with your arms in his sink.

You are definitely on my list,
but I’ve forgotten what it’s a list of.

Photons have mass !!??
I didn’t even know they were Catholic.

I wouldn’t be so paranoid
if all those people weren’t following me.

I know the voices aren’t real,
but they have some good ideas.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

One of life’s greatest mysteries
is how a 1 kilo box of chocolates can make a woman gain 5 kilos.

The Miss Universe pageant is fixed.
All the contestants are from Earth.

I have a theory that it is impossible to prove anything.
But I can’t prove it.

Due to lack of interest
today’s meeting of the Apathy Society has been cancelled.

The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult
gets up at 7:30 in the morning feeling just plain awful.

There are no old people nowadays;
they are either “fantastic for their age”
or dead.

 Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

For God’s sake don’t enlighten me.
Life is hard enough without knowing who I am.

A short bedtime story…
“NO”.

God must have really loved calories,
he made so many.

I intend to live forever and ever…
So far so good.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend
but she left me before we met.

To all divorced men…
Don’t get married again.
Just find a woman you don’t like and give her a house.

To all divorced women…
It serves you right if you kept all your eggs
in the one bastard.

It’s not fair…
A friend of mine received a huge insurance payout
for an act of God and he’s an atheist!

I asked the bookstore saleswoman where the self-help section was
and she said she wouldn’t tell me. It would defeat the purpose.

Quantum mechanics:
The dreams stuff is made of.

On my first day of school my parents
dropped me off at the wrong nursery.
There I was…
surrounded by plants and trees.

Now, how much can I get away with
and still go to heaven?

I signed up for an exercise class
and was told to wear loose fitting clothing.
If I HAD any loose fitting clothing,
I wouldn’t have signed up in the first place!

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

What did cured ham actually have?

Why do people say they “slept like a baby”
when babies wake up every two hours?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings
and then put money in telescopes
to look at things on the ground?

You know when people see a cat’s litter box
they always say, “Oh, have you got a cat?”
Just once I wanted to say, “No, it’s for company!”

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive,
try missing a couple of car payments.

If Webster wrote the first dictionary,
where did he find the words?

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

Why do we say something is out of whack?
What is a whack?

Why do people say they “worked like a dog?”
Our dog just sat around all day.

You have to stay in shape.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60.
She is 97 today and we don’t know where she is.

It’s not reality that’s important,
but how you perceive things.

To the world you might be one person,
but to one person you might be the world.

If you’re going to be able to look back
on something and laugh about it,
you might as well laugh about it now.

MOONSHINE?

ON JULY 20, 1969 , AS COMMANDER OF THE  APOLLO 11 LUNAR MODULE,
NEIL ARMSTRONG WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO SET FOOT ON  THE MOON.

HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE  MOON,  ‘THAT’S ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN,
ONE GIANT LEAP FOR  MANKIND,’ WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH AND HEARD BY MILLIONS.

BUT JUST  BEFORE HE RE-ENTERED THE LANDER, HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC REMARK
‘GOOD LUCK,  MR. GORSKY.’

MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGH IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK  CONCERNING SOME RIVAL
SOVIET COSMONAUT.

HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING,  THERE WAS NO GORSKY IN EITHER THE RUSSIAN OR
AMERICAN SPACE  PROGRAMS.

OVER THE YEARS MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG AS TO WHAT THE ‘GOOD
LUCK, MR. GORSKY… STATEMENT MEANT, BUT ARMSTRONG ALWAYS JUST SMILED.

ON JULY 5, 1995 , IN TAMPA , FLORIDA , WHILE ANSWERING  QUESTIONS
FOLLOWING A SPEECH, A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE 26-YEAR-OLD  QUESTION TO
ARMSTRONG. THIS TIME HE FINALLY RESPONDED.

MR. GORSKY  HAD DIED, SO NEIL ARMSTRONG FELT HE COULD ANSWER THE
QUESTION.

IN  1938 WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A SMALL MID-WEST TOWN , HE WAS PLAYING
BASEBALL  WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACK YARD.

HIS FRIEND HIT THE BALL, WHICH LANDED IN HIS NEIGHBOUR’S YARD BY THE
BEDROOM WINDOWS.

HIS NEIGHBOURS WERE MR. AND MRS. GORSKY.

AS HE LEANED DOWN TO PICK UP THE BALL, YOUNG ARMSTRONG  HEARD MRS.
GORSKY SHOUTING AT MR. GORSKY. ‘SEX!  YOU WANT  SEX?
YOU’LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE  MOON!’

THINGS TO PONDER…

What is the speed of dark?

What is a “free” gift? Aren’t all gifts free?

How can there be self-help groups?

If someone with multiple personality disorder threatens to kill himself,
is it considered a hostage situation?

Why are important people assassinated
and ordinary people murdered?

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice?”

Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal
eating an endangered plant?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Why do dogs get mad when you blow in their face,
but always love to stick their head out the car window?

ALTERNATIVE MEANINGS…

Anally… Occurring yearly

Liver… A person who lives on and on

Terminal Illness… Getting sick at the airport

Tumor… More than one

Varicose… Nearby

World Wide Wait… The real meaning of www.

Flabbergasted… Appalled over how much weight you’ve gained

Abdicate… To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach

Willy nilly… Impotent

Negligent… A condition in which you absent mindedly
answer the door in your nightie

Testicle… A humorous question in an exam

Denial… A river in Egypt

Bacteria… The back door to a cafeteria

Cesarean section… A Roman neighborhood

Pokemon… A Jamaican proctologist

Eyedropper… A clumsy ophthalmologist

Pharmacists… Helpers on a farm

Benign… What you be after you be eight

Barium… What you do with dead people

Cauterize… Made eye contact with her

Dilate… To live longer than your kids

Relief… What trees do each spring

Parasites… What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower

Fibula… A small lie

Outpatient… A person who has fainted

Node… I knew it

Death… To stop sinning suddenly

CONFLICTING PROVERBS…

Actions speak louder than words.
The pen is mightier than the sword.

Look before you leap.
He who hesitates is lost.

Beware of Greeks bearing gifts.
Never look a gift-horse in the mouth.

Clothes make the man.
Don’t judge a book by its cover.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Better safe than sorry.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
Out of sight, out of mind.

REMEMBER WHEN…

A PROGRAM was a tv show.

CURSOR used profanity.

A KEYBOARD was a piano.

MEMORY was something that you lost with age.

LOG ON was adding wood to the fire.

HARD DRIVE was a long trip on the road.

A MOUSE PAD was where a mouse lived.

 A WEB was a spider’s home.

A VIRUS was the flu.

A WINDOW was something you hated to clean.

PASTE you did with glue.

A RAM was the cousin of a goat.

MEG was the name of your girlfriend.

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
That all depends on who you ask…

Plato: For the greater good.

Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.

Nietzsche: Because if you gaze too long across the road,
the road gazes also across you.

Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt
necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this
historical juncture, and therefore synchronistically brought
such occurrences into being.

Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself,
the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.

Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the
road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

Aristotle: To actualize its potential.

Darwin: It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.

Epicurus: For fun.

Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn’t cross the road; it transcended it.

Jack Nicholson: ‘Cause it f…..g wanted to. That’s the f…..g reason.

Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road?

Mr. T: If you saw me coming you’d cross the road too!

Henry David Thoreau: To live deliberately… and suck all the marrow out of life.

Wordsworth: To wander lonely as a cloud.

Othello: Jealousy.

Macbeth: To have turned back were as tedious as to go o’er.

Hamlet: That is not the question.

Donne: It crosseth for thee.

George W. Bush: To find the weapons of mass destruction… or whatever.

Ronald Reagan: I forget.

PILOT GRIPE SHEETS

After every flight, commercial pilots fill out a form called a ‘gripesheet’,
which tells ground mechanics about problems with the aircraft.

The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form,
and then pilots review the ‘gripe’ sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by pilots
and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.

By the way, this particular airline is the only
major airline that has never had an accident.
(
P = the problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = the solution and action taken by mechanics)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what friction locks are for.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

THE LOST DR. SEUSS POEM

“I love my job”

I love my job, I love the pay!
I love it more and more each day.
I love my boss, he is the best,
I love his boss and all the rest.

I love my office and its location,
I hate to have to go on vacation,
I love my furniture, drab and grey,
and the piles of paper that grow each day.

I think my job is really swell,
there’s nothing else I love so well,
I love to work among my peers,
I love their leers and jeers and sneers.

I love my computer and its software;
I hug it often though it won’t care,
I love each program and every file,
I’d love them more if they worked a while.

I’m happy to be here, I am, I am,
I’m the happiest slave of the firm, I am,
I love this work, I love these chores,
I love meetings with the deadly bores.

I love my job; I’ll say it again –
I even love those friendly men,
those friendly men who’ve come today,
in clean white coats to take me away !!!

Hell – the pros and cons

 The following is supposedly an actual question
given on a University of Washington chemistry midterm.
The answer by one student was so profound
that the professor shared it with all via the internet.

Question: Is hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s law
[gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed] or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:

First we need to know how the mass of hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially.

Now we look at the rate of change of the volume in hell, because Boyle’s law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the volume of hell has to expand proportionately as the souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

1) If hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter it, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose.

2) If hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my freshman year
that, “It will be a cold day in hell before I sleep with you,” and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore extinct, leaving only heaven. Thus the existence of a divine being is proven, which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting, “Oh my God!”

This student received the only A..

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